Post 8: Top Ten Things I Have Learned from Owning a Kitten

1.        If the exuberance of kittens could be harnessed into battery power, there would not be an energy crisis.

2.       There are very few things that can draw blood and still elicit an “Aw, how cute!” response.  My kitten is one of them.

3.       If you are tired, stop where you are and take a nap immediately.

4.       If you want to play, persist until someone gives in and joins you.

5.       Everything is interesting if you invest a little time and attention.

6.       There are many genes controlling cat color and hair length.  It is not nearly as simple as Mendel’s cross pollination experiments.  You cannot figure it out from cursory internet research.

7.       I will be able to handle my future children’s toilet training.  It’s not as bad if you love them.  But it still stinks.

8.       Chores are more fun when something periodically bursts from beneath the furniture and attacks your ankles.

9.       Be close to people, but keep your boundaries clear.

10.   It only takes a little showmanship to win over the skeptics and naysayers.

Post 7: What TV Has Taught Me

1.            If you’re going somewhere dangerous, it does no good to wait in the car.  If you wait in the car, it means the danger is on its way to the car.  (Chuck, Castle…)

2.            If you change your hair color and wear big glasses, no one will ever recognize you.   (Alias)

3.            Any conversation you hold while walking briskly is more important and consequential.  (West Wing, reminder from 30 Rock)

4.            If you are the center of your group of friends, your life will suck the most.  You will also be the most unlikable person in the group.  (Buffy, Grey’s Anatomy)

5.            A quick wit will get you out of any jam, from catty high school drama to being held at gunpoint.  (Veronica Mars, Castle)

6.            If you are brilliant in a technical field, you must also be so flawed that you are on the brink of social isolation. (House, Bones, Monk)

7.            The faster you talk, the smarter you are.  Also, the person who talks the fastest wins the argument.  (West Wing, Gilmore Girls, Sport Night)

8.            The more you reference pop culture, the cooler you are. (Gilmore Girls, Buffy)

9.            Therapists are borderline omniscient.  They can discern your deepest, darkest secrets upon meeting you and immediately say the one thing that will convince you to solve your issues. (Sports Night, West Wing, Grey’s Anatomy)

10.          It isn’t real love unless there are lots of pain and obstacles.  (Battlestar Galactica, Buffy, Alias, Roswell)

11.          In any moment of crisis, a beautifully poetic soliloquy will come to you which you can deliver with great power.  (Buffy, West Wing, Angel, Grey’s Anatomy)

12.          Falling down is REALLY funny. (Scrubs, Modern Family)

13.          Alcohol is the best thing in the world.  Everything is boring without it.  (Cougar Town)

14.          Alcohol is the worst thing in the world.  It ruins every life it touches.  (The Cleaner)

15.          Everyone is expendable. (Lost)

16.          If no one believes you, you are definitely right. (X-File)

Post 5: Two Types of Dreams in One

Message from our sponsor:  I gave up on the music terms in the titles.  Too much research for something that ends up looking an affectation.
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When I was 20 years old, my good friend DeLayna sat me down in our dorm living room and asked me why in the world I wasn't planning to pursue a career in television, since it was clearly what I loved most.  I had a very practical answer for her that was ridiculously serious for a 20-year-old girl.  In the intervening years, I have had a back-of-my-mind plan to be a therapist for twenty years and then start writing when I had lots of life experience to draw from.

This week my dreams seem to be trying to tell me what my life might be like if I ever chose to really pursue my dream to be a television writer ... on acid.


To illustrate, I present you with Dream 1 and Dream 2.

Dream 1:  I'm in some kind of large store, which becomes a small, trendy clothes boutique.  While shopping I run into Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia from Buffy the Vampire Slayer).  I haven't seen her since we worked together on Buffy.  I started as a production assistant on the show, but worked my way up and was eventually noticed by Joss, who wrote a very small recurring part for me in addition to my regular off-camera duties.  Charisma and I chat about who from the show is doing well, how much fun we had on the set of Buffy, and how she hasn't been working a lot lately.  I point out that as long as she's making enough money to get by, it's great that she gets to spend so much time at home with her son.  I also tell her that I'm primarily writing these days, but that I still do a little on-camera work in small bit parts.  Then the store is attacked by dinosaurs.

Dream 2:  I'm running late for a meeting in LA and San Diego, which have somehow merged.  I run into Matthew Perry (Chandler from Friends) who will also be at the meeting (about a new show we might work on together).  Since I used to work as an assistant on Friends, he offers me a ride to the meeting.  We get in his convertible, and have to take the underwater freeway, because the bridge freeway has been designated for use by giant seals.  (This part was very clear, the seals were white with brown spots like an inverted baby deer, and the freeway functioned more like a slip-n-slide.)  We put the top up on the convertible and roll up the windows to make the car water tight, then submerge into the underwater freeway.  As we begin to accelerate, another car drops down in front of us nose first, having fallen from an access tunnel.  Matthew brakes, but we crash.  We each extricate ourselves from the car, then grab a side and pull it out of the water with us.  Matthew folds it up and carries it with him.  While he is talking to the police, I realize I have his messenger bag and phone.  It rings, and since I used to work with/for him, I automatically answer it, but I can't remember his real name.  I finally say "Chandler Bing's phone" as a greeting, and become very embarrassed as his real name finally returns to my mind and I realize it is the network calling.  I laugh it off and say, "... which is what a TERRIBLE assistant would say!  This is Matthew Perry's assistant, how may I help you?"  I cover for Matt with the network and we go to the meeting about our new show, both soaking wet.

My favorite part is that in these dreams, I must have begun my career in television at about age 18 to have worked on both shows.  I also love that I maintained friendships with the cast, and had clearly been working steadily ever since.

On a semi-related note, for some reason whenever I dream I'm a writer, my hair is always in a French braid.  I have no idea why.