Some unsolicited advice for parents with kids out of school for an extended time, from a therapist with experience working with large groups of cranky/stressed-out kids:

I haven't touched this blog in years.  But I was thinking about all the people I know who are coping with so much right now, and wanted to share some ideas that might help, even just a little bit.

1.      Don’t let yourself become the enforcer, who just catches the kids messing up and tells them to get back on track.  Let the little things go.  Choose the most important things to give feedback about.  (Is the noise really a problem, as long as it’s happy noise?)  Tell them what they should do, instead of only telling them "stop it."

a.     For littles: “We need to be kind to each other and use our nice voices. That way we can all feel good.”

b.     For teens: “I know everything is off right now, so here are the most important things that need to happen. If we can get this done, anything else is a bonus.”

2.     Point out every little positive thing you can see your kids doing.  Try to have at least 5 positives for every time you have to correct them.

a.     For little ones: “Thanks for sitting in your chair!” – even if they’re not doing schoolwork, praise that they’re in the right vicinity.  That’s the first step to getting their schoolwork done.

b.     For teens: “I really appreciate that you’re up and dressed.”  Or even, “I’m glad to see your eyes open, it’s hard not to just stay in bed when our schedule is off.”

3.     TAKE BREAKS. Even if it’s 2 minutes in your closet (or an extra trip to the bathroom where you just enjoy being behind a locked door), give yourself a breather.  Take deep, slow breaths.  Imagine being at your favorite place.  Tense and relax your muscles. Give yourself a hug, or some positive affirmations, or rub your own shoulders.  Do NOT spend your two minutes worrying about what else needs to be done, or ruminating on what’s gone wrong so far in your day, or thinking about all the bad news in the world.  Some kind of “I can do this” mantra is good, too.  If you have a partner, give each other 30-minute breaks.  If you don’t, learn to really lean into those 2 minutes.

4.     Remember your relationship with your child is more important than getting everything done.  How do you want your child to remember the quarantine/social distancing?  As the time their parents were stressed and upset and cranky, or the magical period they got to spend more time with mom and/or dad?  Give lots of affection, appreciation, and compliments.  Put your phone down while you’re talking to your child.  Eye contact makes everyone feel valued and important. Show your kids they are more important to you than  whatever you're looking at. 

5.     When your kids are driving you crazy, focus on what’s going on underneath the bad behavior.  Why are they acting up?  Are they tired, bored, scared, hungry, lonely, feeling rejected or left out, etc.?

a.     For littles: “You sound so grumpy, I bet you really miss seeing your friends.  Maybe we can play a game together instead.”

b.     For teens: “I know you’re missing out on ____ and it’s really frustrating.  It’s understandable that you’re not at your best.  I also want to make our house pleasant while we’re cooped up, what do you think would help you right now?”  

c.   And when you get the teenage ‘I don’t know…’ response, just say “Let me know if you think of something, I’ll help if I can.”

6.     Admit when you’re wrong.  You are under enormous pressure right now, and you’re going to make mistakes, yell, get snappy, and/or overreact.  It’s a great chance to teach your kids to both take accountability and forgive themselves.  “I handled that wrong. I shouldn’t have yelled, and I’m sorry.  Next time I’m going to take some deep breaths before we talk.  You’re a great kid, and we’re all trying to do our best.  Sometimes parents mess up. I’m going to work on it, please be patient with me.” Don’t apologize repeatedly or call yourself a bad parent.  Also, skip telling them what they did wrong that set you off, at least for a little while.  Come back later to address their part.  “When I got mad earlier, this is what I really wanted to talk about: ___.”  You’ll teach them not to be defensive or get in power struggles.

7.    Be clear and specific about your expectations.  Your kids can’t read your mind or intuitively know if you’re already past your limit. “I need everyone to do something without me for the next 20 minutes while I ____.  If you ask me for something and it’s not an emergency, I’m going to remind you that you need to wait for a while.”  

a.     If they get it right, thank them!  

b.    If they don’t, remind them “right now is ___ time.  I love you and I will help you when ____ is over.”  Then ignore as much as you can rather than staying invested.   If you keep arguing, your kid learns they can keep getting attention (and any attention is reinforcing).

8.     Give the kids a chance to talk – about anything, their favorite show (that you find terribly annoying), a video game, something they learned in school.  Ask questions, nod, respond to their excitement.  Don’t judge, or share your opinion (unless you like it too), or criticize.  Let them be the expert and see that you care what they think.  That connection will help them be better listeners when you need them to pay attention to what you say.

9.  Include some physical activity.  A dance party, playing tag in the house, an exercise video, jumping jacks.  They’re more likely to move if you do, too.  And they’ll be less cranky if they get some exercise.

10.  Work on school, but recognize that things will look different right now, and let your best (or your child’s best) be ENOUGH.  We don’t need to over-achieve during a pandemic.  Think about other things your kids can learn right now – patience, being creative or adventurous, how to do household chores, being connected in different ways, showing empathy.  Make cards for people in nursing homes.  Call grandma and grandpa.  Go for a walk together.  Watch a sunset.  Make a competition out of finding sneaky ways to help other people in the family without them seeing it. Do arts and crafts – and do the messy ones you usually don’t allow because you dread the clean-up.  (Set the expectation that everyone will help – and praise them effusively when they help even a little bit.)

11.  Try to keep a regular sleep and meal schedule.  And after the kids go to bed, don’t stay up worrying about what happens next in the world.  Use your phone or computer to connect to your friends and family (for real – calls are better than texts, but both are better than social media) – then put them down and go to bed.